Sunday, January 22, 2012

Random Sax Jokes :D

I found these floating about the internet, and just put most here!

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? A: The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

Q: How do you get a saxophone player out of your house? A: Pay him (or her) for the pizza!

Q: How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn? A: Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone? A: He hated mankind but couldn't build a atom-bomb.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to saxophone players? A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and Kenny G, with a gun and only two bullets, who do you shoot? A: Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.

How are a saxophone and a guillotine similar? 1. They are both lethal. 2. They are both always sharp. 3. They both work best when dropped from high places.

Which is the ideal place to practice on a saxophone? A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom. B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean. C: In a deserted coal mine. D: None of the above. Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone player never, ever practices. The risk of learning to play is much too great.

Contrary to popular belief, the saxophone is a percussion instrument, meant to be beaten by a hammer. A large hammer.

You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world, when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop!" The man is forced to stay the night in the natives' village. All through the night, the drums kept on going so he was unable to sleep at all. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because when drum solo stop, sax solo start!"

A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections: Flute Brains $1/pound Percussion Brains $5/pound Tuba Brains $10/pound Saxophone Brains $100/pound He asks the butcher why saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many saxophone players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Legends 3

Legend 3- Mastering of ­­the Saxophone

Many years in the future, around 1993, 94, and 95, the chosen saxophone players were placed into the stomachs of virgin women by Eleazar, where they were left to grow in their care. When they came of age, they were placed into “middle school” and since under different households, some went their separate ways, forgetting their meeting millions of years in the past. In these “middle schools” the young saxophone disciples would meet their instructors, and choose the instrument that they will be blood tied to.
Soon, the saxophone players were old enough to compete in a competition called “All-City”. Here, they would meet another, and although they didn’t recognize each other, they would share a strong bond. Bacon and The Hammer had been together since before middle school. The Asian, Luis, and Padron were together. Montanez emerged from the bayous of Louisiana, and Sapito was still being trained.
Digressing, the All-City competition is where The Asian and Bacon would first battle, with Bacon emerging victorious, leaving The Asian second chair. Even though he was awarded second chair, this showed his saxophone skills were high also.
Seeing such competition pleases Eleazar, which is why this and “All-Region” are conducted yearly, for his entertainment.

Legends 2

Legend 2- The Forming of the Saxophone Players

            Many years after the creation of the first saxophones, Eleazar realized he needed disciples to spread the sexiness of the saxophone across the world. (which he created himself from modeling clay and semen) One important element to remember is that Eleazar’s bowel movements result in giant almost human sized gold nuggets. He saved seven of the best ones, and decided to shape them in his likeness.
The first was fused with the hair of the mighty Montanez creatures that roamed with Eleazar so long ago. He was dubbed, “Montanez” a feat of creativity none can rival, he was created to be the powerhouse of the group.
The next Saxophone Disciple created would be named “The Hammer” because his crotch was the deadliest weapon at the time, it’s enormous size rivaled mammoth’s.
The third Saxophone Disciple, The Asian, was created to be one of the more skilled players, and because of that he has no other redeeming qualities, except for pronouncing “th” as ”d”
Fourth, was Luis, his main quality was his curls, which hypnotized women, and some men. If his curls were ever to be cut off completely, he would be rendered powerless, and would die.
The fifth was Sapito, modeled after a strange creature Eleazar saw hopping around.
Sixth, was one Eleazar called “Padron” for some strange reason; his personality wasn’t horrible, but evil comments spewed from his mouth without stop. He became the first “asshole”
Seventh, and possibly the last, was Bacon, bestowed with a voice Eleazar stole from God himself, quite outgoing, and somewhat of an “asshole” he was created as a counter to The Asian’s quiet demeanor, with saxophone skills to rival his.
Once they were complete, he aged them reversely, and took the sperm cells and preserved them, to give them to the chosen parents.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Legends of Eleazar

                 Legend 1- The Carving of the Saxophone
The story of when the first saxophone was invented is among the least debated subjects, a man named Adolph Sax supposedly crafted this embodiment of sexiness for all to hear. Well, that’s not how it really happened.
            Awhile before man was first walking the earth, Eleazar’s rampages caused the extinction of the dinosaurs; every species on Earth at the time went extinct too, except for the mighty Montanez (a subject that will be discussed later)
But, I must digress, Eleazar was skilled at music, he invented it, he was able to whistle in thirty octaves, so it’s only natural he create something to pass the time. He came across a great rock, with which he carved the first saxophone family.(The alto, tenor,  baritone, and soprano sax) Using his well formed muscles, and glorious smile, he turned the stone to brass, and commanded gold to cover the instrument, since everything fears Eleazar, it listened. The mouthpiece was formed out of the bones of his fallen enemies. (Dinosaurs)
The reed was a simple piece of wood, which Eleazar took from France, and carved down with his mighty abs. The first ligature, HIS ligature, was made of dragon skin, which he also used for blankets. Thus, the first saxophone was born.